you, me, haze,.. everything in between..
"The thing about parties and these places is that.. I don't know," he shrugged for a second and took a sip before continuing. He drank a draft beer that night, not exactly his favorite kind of beer but he drank anyway. It's not a foreign sight for me; him pausing in between his words, getting his thoughts across without looking straight into your eyes until he finally gets to the end of it. "...it's just--what do you seek, really? Say that, you come here with your friends. You drink--a lot. You get drunk. You do stupid s--- which you'll totally regret the next morning but you'll end up doing it again the next week anyway for the mere sake of... being cool?" I laughed a bit at his comment, and shook my head in disbelief. It was weird seeing how not the slightest bit of anger slipped through that very sentence although in my opinion, he was being really, really negative. That's the thing I've always liked about him; the very unique fact that he just smiled about almost anything--even if the thing was hurting him. "I'm not much of a social butterfly as well, you see. I myself enjoy observing people--sitting here, with you, getting drinks and talking about whatever. But anyway, I object. I see the fun in these parties--the fact that I'm here with a lot of other people, just the mere fact of me being here, I feel like I become more aware of my existence," He immediately just scoffed at my ridiculous response. "What? I'm dead serious--I know that it's weird, but I sort of feel like I'm more alive. Through good music, through dancing, through mingling with people you've never met before, through good drinks. For a couple of hours I feel like I don't have any weight on my shoulders, you know. I feel almost weightless.. Although yes, I do agree that after quite a while of repeating these, sometimes I don't know what to seek anymore. But still, you gotta admit that parties are--at least--quite fun, right?" He pursed his lips, tilted his head to the side, and looked straight into my eyes as if he was saying "No, it's not.." I just laughed and nodded to the beats of ADHD by Kendrick Lamar--which was one of my favorite songs.
Three songs and one glass after, he started talking again. "So.... yeah. Do you think we should, I don't know, get out of here? ...Watch Love, Actually or listen to Stay Awhile instead?" I just shook my head and laughed, oh you. Classic.
--
Varsity - So Sad, So Sad
The Radio Dept. - I Don't Like It Like This
The Radio Dept. - Pulling Our Weight
Arctic Monkeys - Piledriver Waltz
San Cisco - About You
San Cisco - Hey Did I Do You Wrong?
Craft Spells - Nausea
Craft Spells - Komorebi
The Cure - Just Like Heaven
The Cardigans - For What It's Worth
Binocular - Deep
The Black Skirts - Hollywood
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Begin Again
Hello people! :)
It's been a year (plus 1 month to be exact) since the last time I wrote something in here and I (up til now) still cannot fathom into words of how MUCH things have changed since then.
For a starter, I am now a first year pre-clinical student. Wow.. it's still so surreal for me to say that though it's been almost 9 months since I got in. The thing is, hard work really does pay off. Long story short, I ended up fighting against 1000+ people for only a couple of seats, and thank God I got into Universitas Indonesia; my goal since day one. What makes everything better is the fact that I'm able to finally step in closer to reach my dream ever since I was 4 years old. Though it wasn't an easy journey getting into UI, I'm very very very grateful for all the lessons I've learned. I was so afraid that I couldn't get in because the acceptance rate was so crazily tight but in the end, miracles do happen afterall. :)
To say that 2016 was a whirlwind is an understatement. Everybody agrees that it's not the nicest year out of the bunch but I'm still really grateful for how things actually turned out. At first, things weren't really nice for me, my family and my friends but then, as Bangtan said in the song "2!3!" (HAHAH I WENT TO THEIR CONCERT IT WAS SO LIFECHANGING I'M GONNA WRITE ABOUT IT LATER) I guess we were all just hoping for more good days back then; because there was no other thing left to do, sadly.
You see the thing is, I've always worked hard--I've put an immense lot of effort into my academic records while I was still in school and I like to believe that everyone else does as well. The people around me.. like Kristo for example, my boyfriend, works really hard in his own field of work; and my brother works very very diligently on his records and on his office works as well. I observe people really well--on campus everyday I see people that work hard. Not only students but workers, man, do they hustle. But what for? Why did I spend 3 years of high school--presumably half of it only to study and not to have fun like other students? Why did I spend countless hours fighting blood sweat and tears (yes this is a BTS reference, again) for UI? Why did I have to do all that? Okay maybe I did all that for the sake of reaching my dream; getting into UI ; achieving that dreamy yellow jacket ; maybe. But why was I that willing though? Peeking on my brother, he could've just done his office work and that's it--there's no more thing left to do besides that because his job's already enough to keep him happy. But he instead created Dentum Dansa Bawah Tanah, he's willing to work extra hours, extra energy, extra everything, for the mere sake of that record. And I guess after thinking for quite a while .. these questions gave me quite the idea that there's just always something that people are fighting for. There's always something that they're rooting for inside. I chose to keep on studying hard day and night, night and day back then because I knew exactly what I was fighting for. It was crystal clear that I was fighting for that figure I've always pictured in the back of my mind ever since I was a little kid, Doctor Not Loser Marsha, wearing a white coat, helping others on dealing their problems that they cannot solve by themselves. This version of Adult Marsha well to be precise, Doctor Not-Loser-Marsha was, and is, something that keeps me going. Everyday, every minute and every second. It's something that I'm fighting for. And same goes with my brother; his rock-star image has always been something that he's always been fighting for since high school. I'm glad that he's still keeping that spirit alive inside of him, and I'm so proud that he's still fighting for his passion, his dream .. maybe someday he'll get featured on Rolling Stones. Maybe in the near future DDBT will become so famous, more famous than ever that he'd probably be so overwhelmed by it but never underwhelmed by it because in the first place, it was something that he was fighting for. You see, this is what keeps us going everyday. At least, this is what keeps me sane in between these tons and tons of assignments, paper works--basically everything that I have to do everyday.
To be honest I feel immensely bad for people who don't know what they're fighting for--who don't know why they're doing their job in the first place, who's pretending to fit into their job, their major when actually their heart literally do not belong there. I cannot imagine a day in which I'm not a pre-clinical student currently studying so that I can proceed to my clinical year--I really cannot. I just can't imagine how I can pull that off--I mean like, those people mustn't have a driving force to drag them through the days, to remind themselves the purpose of doing their job in the first place. Something for them to hold on to, to grasp when they start to lose hope. For those people, I guess that this is the time when faith kicks in .. and remember that you shall always remain true to yourself. Also, never forget and bury what you're fighting for and replace it with something that's temporarily soothing. Don't fake it and think that you're gonna start to believe in your own made-up state of mind just because you successfully made everyone believe so. Be brave to try again--I did, countless times! I took a huge L last year lol but I remember what I was fighting for. I did it for the sake of my 9 year old self, 13 year old self, 15 year old self so naively believing in present Marsha, because it just might be the right thing for me to do. And it was. And I thank God I believed in myself, I stayed true to myself, I didn't lie to myself and most importantly, I didn't put on a show to other people--acting as if maybe it really was the right track for me, being Loser Marsha who might not end up on UI. Nope--Marsha hustled. Hard. And she did it.
Though now things LITERALLY are just as I expected for them to be; infinite amounts of coffee to keep me awake at night, overlapping deadlines, tears of homesick and missing my parents, student logbooks, and having to do everything on my own, I like to think that I enjoy all of this. I enjoy every bit of struggle and pain that I have to get through in order to reach my degree later.. (still 6 years to go....) and without the help of people around me, I don't think that I can still be as calm as I am now.
I solemnly swear to God that I'm just grateful for my parents for always supporting me though both of them are literally not doctors--but their support gives me life. They might not teach me things like other doctor parents do, but I'm much more grateful that they're just.. them. My dad and mom, thanks for believing in me always.. for supporting literally everything that I do. I'm thankful that I can still text, facetime and call you everyday just to whine and tell you literally everything about dentistry that's quite hard for me sometimes, thanks for being the coolest best friends that a daughter can have and I'm soooo grateful that we're close ma, pa. Kristo, he's the one that keeps me sane in between this crazy ride to be honest. Thanks for the kind words, the support, all the prayers, the food you send here almost everyday (though I can literally buy it by myself but really thanks sayang..), the fact that you always understand how busy I am and never even once have you complained, thanks for the very smooth relationship that we've been having, I'm amazed of how rarely we fight (believe it or not: going on strong to our 3rd year, we've only fought twice. Literally.) compared to other couples, and thanks for being a stress-reliever in the middle of this rollercoaster. I've always said that your presence is enough, you being there is already enough for me and let's hope for more good days like Bangtan said in 2!3! (HEHE)
So I guess that's it, I'm gonna head back and finish my student log bookkk and pull another all-nighter (if I can) (I'll probably sleep anyway after this lol) (or watch bangtan) HAHA
All the love always,
M
You see the thing is, I've always worked hard--I've put an immense lot of effort into my academic records while I was still in school and I like to believe that everyone else does as well. The people around me.. like Kristo for example, my boyfriend, works really hard in his own field of work; and my brother works very very diligently on his records and on his office works as well. I observe people really well--on campus everyday I see people that work hard. Not only students but workers, man, do they hustle. But what for? Why did I spend 3 years of high school--presumably half of it only to study and not to have fun like other students? Why did I spend countless hours fighting blood sweat and tears (yes this is a BTS reference, again) for UI? Why did I have to do all that? Okay maybe I did all that for the sake of reaching my dream; getting into UI ; achieving that dreamy yellow jacket ; maybe. But why was I that willing though? Peeking on my brother, he could've just done his office work and that's it--there's no more thing left to do besides that because his job's already enough to keep him happy. But he instead created Dentum Dansa Bawah Tanah, he's willing to work extra hours, extra energy, extra everything, for the mere sake of that record. And I guess after thinking for quite a while .. these questions gave me quite the idea that there's just always something that people are fighting for. There's always something that they're rooting for inside. I chose to keep on studying hard day and night, night and day back then because I knew exactly what I was fighting for. It was crystal clear that I was fighting for that figure I've always pictured in the back of my mind ever since I was a little kid, Doctor Not Loser Marsha, wearing a white coat, helping others on dealing their problems that they cannot solve by themselves. This version of Adult Marsha well to be precise, Doctor Not-Loser-Marsha was, and is, something that keeps me going. Everyday, every minute and every second. It's something that I'm fighting for. And same goes with my brother; his rock-star image has always been something that he's always been fighting for since high school. I'm glad that he's still keeping that spirit alive inside of him, and I'm so proud that he's still fighting for his passion, his dream .. maybe someday he'll get featured on Rolling Stones. Maybe in the near future DDBT will become so famous, more famous than ever that he'd probably be so overwhelmed by it but never underwhelmed by it because in the first place, it was something that he was fighting for. You see, this is what keeps us going everyday. At least, this is what keeps me sane in between these tons and tons of assignments, paper works--basically everything that I have to do everyday.
To be honest I feel immensely bad for people who don't know what they're fighting for--who don't know why they're doing their job in the first place, who's pretending to fit into their job, their major when actually their heart literally do not belong there. I cannot imagine a day in which I'm not a pre-clinical student currently studying so that I can proceed to my clinical year--I really cannot. I just can't imagine how I can pull that off--I mean like, those people mustn't have a driving force to drag them through the days, to remind themselves the purpose of doing their job in the first place. Something for them to hold on to, to grasp when they start to lose hope. For those people, I guess that this is the time when faith kicks in .. and remember that you shall always remain true to yourself. Also, never forget and bury what you're fighting for and replace it with something that's temporarily soothing. Don't fake it and think that you're gonna start to believe in your own made-up state of mind just because you successfully made everyone believe so. Be brave to try again--I did, countless times! I took a huge L last year lol but I remember what I was fighting for. I did it for the sake of my 9 year old self, 13 year old self, 15 year old self so naively believing in present Marsha, because it just might be the right thing for me to do. And it was. And I thank God I believed in myself, I stayed true to myself, I didn't lie to myself and most importantly, I didn't put on a show to other people--acting as if maybe it really was the right track for me, being Loser Marsha who might not end up on UI. Nope--Marsha hustled. Hard. And she did it.
Though now things LITERALLY are just as I expected for them to be; infinite amounts of coffee to keep me awake at night, overlapping deadlines, tears of homesick and missing my parents, student logbooks, and having to do everything on my own, I like to think that I enjoy all of this. I enjoy every bit of struggle and pain that I have to get through in order to reach my degree later.. (still 6 years to go....) and without the help of people around me, I don't think that I can still be as calm as I am now.
I solemnly swear to God that I'm just grateful for my parents for always supporting me though both of them are literally not doctors--but their support gives me life. They might not teach me things like other doctor parents do, but I'm much more grateful that they're just.. them. My dad and mom, thanks for believing in me always.. for supporting literally everything that I do. I'm thankful that I can still text, facetime and call you everyday just to whine and tell you literally everything about dentistry that's quite hard for me sometimes, thanks for being the coolest best friends that a daughter can have and I'm soooo grateful that we're close ma, pa. Kristo, he's the one that keeps me sane in between this crazy ride to be honest. Thanks for the kind words, the support, all the prayers, the food you send here almost everyday (though I can literally buy it by myself but really thanks sayang..), the fact that you always understand how busy I am and never even once have you complained, thanks for the very smooth relationship that we've been having, I'm amazed of how rarely we fight (believe it or not: going on strong to our 3rd year, we've only fought twice. Literally.) compared to other couples, and thanks for being a stress-reliever in the middle of this rollercoaster. I've always said that your presence is enough, you being there is already enough for me and let's hope for more good days like Bangtan said in 2!3! (HEHE)
So I guess that's it, I'm gonna head back and finish my student log bookkk and pull another all-nighter (if I can) (I'll probably sleep anyway after this lol) (or watch bangtan) HAHA
All the love always,
M
Sunday, March 20, 2016
+365
Today marks exactly 1 year after our unexpected encounter last March.
A simple congratulation after my performance opened our conversation. A million thoughts crossed my mind after looking up on the screen and saw your name. It's been what--2 years, after the last time that I'd seen you, and things weren't so nice for us back then, right? As I clicked to see how you look now on your display picture, I realized that you looked different. Your hair's different--you used to have that slick style hair that made girls swoooon--and your signature 'stache ain't there anymore, plus your skin had been more tan compared to the last time that I'd seen you. "How have you been? Have you been well? Where are you now?" and other formalities started to run through my head, waiting to be said to you. But "are you seeing someone right now?" was somehow far from one of those questions. Because well, our second encounter was somehow closer to a friendly banter, rather than a flirty one.
It was funny to talk to you again, because it made me remember those strange feelings during freshman year. You were always that senior guy that stood out at the hallway, looking super good, and I was just.. meh. I still remember that day--first day of school to be exact, when you helped me open the door to my class, I was completely stunned and swooned. (There, I said it!) Remembering those stupid salad days could almost relive those feelings again--but then reality came knocking through my door and I thought to myself that we wouldn't ever happen. Not in a world where "good" things happen to me. I wasn't that attracted to you as well, because we were too different. And it strangely felt too good to be true. Us, we were always too good to be true anyway right?
As time passed and I started talking to you on a daily basis again, I got the chance to know you even more than I did before. Things started to feel more 'realistic' when our personalities started to unravel here and there. Afterall, you weren't that ridiculously sexy-pushed-back-hair senior that I've known before; you've totally changed and matured; from the way that you thought, spoke--it all changed. And it made me realize how much I had been missing. I solemnly swear that I regret ignoring you during freshman year; because who knew you were really this amazing? I regret all those times I've spent without you, because I believe things would've been so much better with you in it.
Anyway, life is funny and so full of surprises, ain't it? The other day, I spent my first break adoring my sexy-pushed-back-hair senior, but then the next time around, I'm dating him. Who knew life could be this way? Needless to say, I'm glad I'd found my way back to you. Better yet, I'm glad that we'd found our way back to each other.
And.. I hope you feel the same way too. :)
A simple congratulation after my performance opened our conversation. A million thoughts crossed my mind after looking up on the screen and saw your name. It's been what--2 years, after the last time that I'd seen you, and things weren't so nice for us back then, right? As I clicked to see how you look now on your display picture, I realized that you looked different. Your hair's different--you used to have that slick style hair that made girls swoooon--and your signature 'stache ain't there anymore, plus your skin had been more tan compared to the last time that I'd seen you. "How have you been? Have you been well? Where are you now?" and other formalities started to run through my head, waiting to be said to you. But "are you seeing someone right now?" was somehow far from one of those questions. Because well, our second encounter was somehow closer to a friendly banter, rather than a flirty one.
It was funny to talk to you again, because it made me remember those strange feelings during freshman year. You were always that senior guy that stood out at the hallway, looking super good, and I was just.. meh. I still remember that day--first day of school to be exact, when you helped me open the door to my class, I was completely stunned and swooned. (There, I said it!) Remembering those stupid salad days could almost relive those feelings again--but then reality came knocking through my door and I thought to myself that we wouldn't ever happen. Not in a world where "good" things happen to me. I wasn't that attracted to you as well, because we were too different. And it strangely felt too good to be true. Us, we were always too good to be true anyway right?
As time passed and I started talking to you on a daily basis again, I got the chance to know you even more than I did before. Things started to feel more 'realistic' when our personalities started to unravel here and there. Afterall, you weren't that ridiculously sexy-pushed-back-hair senior that I've known before; you've totally changed and matured; from the way that you thought, spoke--it all changed. And it made me realize how much I had been missing. I solemnly swear that I regret ignoring you during freshman year; because who knew you were really this amazing? I regret all those times I've spent without you, because I believe things would've been so much better with you in it.
Anyway, life is funny and so full of surprises, ain't it? The other day, I spent my first break adoring my sexy-pushed-back-hair senior, but then the next time around, I'm dating him. Who knew life could be this way? Needless to say, I'm glad I'd found my way back to you. Better yet, I'm glad that we'd found our way back to each other.
And.. I hope you feel the same way too. :)
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