things to do whilst past the point of no return

i have no idea why i used that sentence as a title. but it sounded cool so.. yeah.

ANYWAY!

How are ya people? Is you okay? Is you? ...See what i did there? I added a bit of a glozell here and there but mostly, how are you feeling? I'm on my school holiday so i guess i'm good...? At least i think i am.

First things first, i want to say sorry for abandoning this blog for quite a while now. (isn't it? a month? i don't know exactly.) Therefore, i am here, ready to type all the magical words to bring you to the joyous world of the bloggity blog blog blog. Not really.

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So.. July, huh? 6 down, 6 to go. And i mean, just like that, 2012 is half over? It seems like yesterday it was just January though. One thing i surely know now is that time does fly fast. And still i haven't done something meaningful yet until this very moment. About 3 months ago i decided to do something quirky/witty/you name it, so i can look back and see how weird memorable it was but ..words will be just words, till you bring them to life. *le sigh* (just for the record, i DID quote one direction.... don't judge.)

I remember having a conversation about this at a public bathroom, about a month ago from now. It was with my best friend Andari, maybe i've mentioned her name or maybe not but background info on her : loveliest lady ever.

Back to the bathroom stall, with the mixed feelings of absurdity, nervousness, and the cold feet I’ve just experienced caused by one damn report card, it’s her turn to feel the same way.

I’ve known her for 2 years now and I can say that she’s one of the toughest human being I’ve ever met in my life. And it was the very first time that I could see her like that. Then there I was, then-overhappy-sophomore-girl, sitting on the bathroom floor, encouraging her best friend so she could threw up. Which was useless anyway, because she hadn’t eaten anything from the previous night and also it’s not quite picturesque if you might ask, because somehow it's considered as an awkward situation.

“You can’t just force yourself to puke like that. I mean, if you wanna puke, you will.”, I said to her half-heartedly because I honestly was really starving at the time. I heard her mumble(d) something like ‘mm-hmm’ or ‘yea’, I couldn’t hear her clearly through the plastic doors, until she decided to flung it open and reveal her o-face, -- you know that face someone would gladly pull after their hangover starts kicking in? I like to call it the o-face. and just for the record, she already put that o-face before she attempted to puke whatsoever so, it's o face TOPS o face.

 “But if I puke randomly, it’ll be nasty and,” blah blah blah.  I stopped listening to her after a few pros and cons about whether she should eat and then threw up (which is HELLO. IT’S GOOD FOOD BRO.) or sit around and wait until the right time..to puke, we kinda went for the latter until le awkward silence filled the air and I finally said something good. 

You know it’s kind of surprising, reminiscing the fact that I’m not the visual/audio-first-kind-of-person so, kudos to self. “You know we only got 1 year left until we go our separate ways.” “Yeah, I know.” “Time flies quite fast.”

It felt like yesterday i was just a clueless little freshman. Freshman year was the greatest year though, i remember everything really clearly. It was so much fun compared to my sophomore year. My second year was supposed to be the 'fun' year but it ended up being a blur.

Back to my convo with Andari, i thought, "Well that was deep,". Other than that, i thought she's right. Time really does fly fast. I've said that a gazillion times but i didn't really mean it, until that very moment. I thought, What the hell, i've wasted so many days doing stupid and reckless things. You know, YOLO. I don't know YOLO seems to be my excuse to everything lately.

Also, i didn't realize how i only got 12 months left to spare. Well damn, 6 actually. 6 months left and then bam! f-tons of exams are ready to bite you right in the arse. Not literally, because that'd be disgusting.

{To sum things up, i don't know where i'm going after this whole senior sphere. Of course, my parents and my brother planted ideas of which school i am going to take after this but I also have different plans, here and there. So the point is : i don't know which path to take. Maybe 'know' is not the right word, maybe the right word is, 'ready'.}

I know i always say how i wanted to leave school immediately and i hated to do assignments etc. but at the end of the day, i know i'm not ready yet. Not yet ready to leave things behind, to face a new start. 

Andari's quick standing up movement made me stop all the 'deep-thoughts' that i was (over-)thinking. And with that, i got out from the bathroom and headed outside.

And so we sat in front of the teacher's rooms. I looked across the balcony and i found that some people were crying. But either way, some others were just happy that they finally passed their grades. The mixed feelings confused me in some ways but I ignored the sight, yet i decided to look up front. As far as i can remember, it was just clouds and clouds, and clouds. I stared down--blankly at the empty classrooms and I finally got to the stage when i knew that things are going to end; like i was sort of standing close to the edge of a building and things are ready to stop there but you miraculously hope that it'd turn 180 degrees-- which is impossible.

I felt sour. I wasn't sad, but i wasn't happy either. I felt sour. I could feel it. I wanted to do something about it but it all seemed like an act of waste or helplessness may be the word they could nail to the situation.

I remember listening to amateur's feeling by porcelain raft all the way home, and still, i kept thinking about it. All the fun that i've had years before, and how i only got 1 year-- freaking 1 year left! I put my ipod on shuffle and that new song by maroon 5 i just purchased yesterday kicked in. The lyrics caught my attention, "you say it's too late to make it, but is it too late to try?". It clicked.

I put it on repeat and what felt like the seventieth time that day, i smiled sheepishly. Adam levine's voice that rang through my earphone felt like it came from nowhere, and echoed blatantly through the solid room.

I finally knew that it's not too late to turn things over, and everything isn't moving too fast, i'm just too stupid to realize that i didn't cherish them/it in the first place. Maybe time doesn't fly too fast, maybe it's just us and things that came too early.