the girl can't help it (edited)

guess who's back.

back again.

i'm back.

tell a friend.

--

sorry guys! i just can't do an appropriate greeting because literally everytime i'm trying to say "hello" properly my scumbag brain plays that song inside my head so.. i just needed to get that out.

anyway! as cliche as it is i'm going to say this : oh my God it's march. And it's almost april! GETTING CLOSER TO GRADUATION FFFF YEAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

in the other hand, i'm sad cause it's almost over...but not really, i'm just glad that it's gonna end this fast hahaha. Don't judge me or label me as mean or bad or heartless cause if you're in my position right now, i believe you'd say the same thing. Okay i know that i've been bragging about school since my last post but i just can't help it ok? THIS GIRL CAN'T HELP IT.

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I think you guys should know that i suffered hard for all this school thingy ok? Just imagine 3 months full of studying. that's called ; suffering. It has literally gone to a point where my brain couldn't cope with all these stuffs anymore.. last week i didn't get to sleep (well i did but only for an hour) because i had to study for the history+economic+geography test. and it didn't turn out well. i just couldn't be any f-ing happier. oh believe me i'm all smiles.

The thing is, i studied really really hard for the test-- you couldn't even imagine how hard i've studied-- but then the questions in the exams were exactly the opposite of what i've had studied the night before. [this is the proper time to use the classic --> Q: "on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad luck are you?" A: "Marsha."] so it's all a waste of time. And you know what's even worse? People just don't believe you every time you tell them that. They have such high expectations on you that they don't realize that actually, the reality isn't like that. I can't get all 100s on my exams and people just can't accept that. I mean I'm also human and I make mistakes too. I have my flaws and i'm just concentrating on being the best that i can be. (For the 100th time ...yes. I indeed quote it from The Social Network. It's crazy, my obsession with that movie). Some people just won't understand that, and i'm really really tired of it.

To be frank, I’m really tired of life. I'm not sure that I mean it in a suicidal way, but also in a plain fatigued way. I wish life could pause for a few days or a week or two or even a month so that I can at least breathe. I’m being given too much in too little time. I’m sick of studying, I'm sick of tryouts, I'm sick of exams, I’m sick of being busy all the damn time, and I’m sick of people “pushing me to succeed”. I’m just so tired.

You know quoting the first line from the last paragraph, i've never been so suicidal in my life. I'm only a teenager and yet i'm talking about all of this in such a hyperbolic way that you might be smiling right now and thinking to yourself, "this kid hasn't been through anything and yet she's talking about death". Well sir, I hate to break it out to you but it's the ugly truth. Behind the smiles and all that, i'm depressed. I'm not lying but i feel like I'm currently having a mental breakdown. It has literally gone to a point where i feel like i don't want to wake up and face reality and if i go.. it'll all end. Well, I guess it's a side effect of people pushing me to succeed.

The worst part of all is that i overthink everything. Some people came to me and said that my grades dropped and i'm not trying hard enough and this and that, and i kind of jolted up in that time. I've never had a moment like this before-- I had but now.. it's worse. On the outside i shrugged it all, but in the inside my brain kept replaying that sentence over and over again. The notion of it continuing in my head, it just won't stop. I kept on hearing it through my ears and i just couldn't stop it somehow. I cried for more than an hour and so, (i cry a lot these times) i listened to the smiths to brighten myself up but it just gotten worse. It's gotten really really worse. I thought that it'd be over in an hour but when i closed my eyes-- it's still there. The voice and everything, it haunted me that night. In the end, i haven't told my parents about this cause i know that they'd gladly bring my jolly arse to a therapist to talk about this and now's not a good time i guess. I figured out that it's the "Fear Of Not Satisfying People Around You", "Fear Of Not Being Good Enough" , "Fear Of Not Being The Best" that made me cry that hard.

Another time after that i was reading this book and i found something quite relatable to myself. There was this girl who hated her toenail so much and then her friend came and said something about dysmorphia. A little bit about This Dysmorphia Thing, it's when you look in the mirror and the thing you see is not the thing it really is. So to make it easier ; it's all up in your head. And then i thought to myself, it's all up in my head. It's true though that some people came to me and said that i didn't bring out the best in me lately but that's just it. There's nothing to exaggerate and blab about, but my brain just had to ruin it for me and be the scumbag it usually is. And it resulted in me crying all night while listening to the smiths and thinking about death. (Re: the paragraph above)

So above all that, i've made a decision. I thought about this for quite a long time and maybe, I should get off everything for a little while. (So I wouldn't see and hear and meet people who would most likely say things i didn't wanna hear and made me go to a therapist bcs all the cryings and depression and such. Because i'm just that timid and fragile, yes.). Get a refresh and stay away from social stuffs, perhaps I could be more concerned on my studies and exams. So wish me luck? wish me tons of luck.

WAZZZZZUUUPPP

WADDDUPPPPP!!!!!

sooooo... oh God it's 2013-- and it's February--and it's almost march and i literally haven't posted anything since December lol, sozz guise!

Where have i been if you may ask.. i've been doing a lot of things lately. As in things i mean tasks and assignments and stuffs like that.  The thing is, school doesn't allow me to breath properly right about now. I've been too busy with tasks and exam preps, but! the good news is that i got into one of the best academy/school in my city after i finish my senior year. Kudos to selff!!! Am i cool or am i cool?

First things first, I'm sorry for abandoning this blog for a little while--but i have my reason people! I didn't know that i'd be this busy before but then 2013 came and oh my God, i can't even say anything about it. These weeks are probably the busiest weeks of my life. But hard work literally pays off, like the only thing you're allowed to do NOW is study. Study, study and study. But in the end, i got accepted and it's all good for me now :p

Anyway. Things are way different than 2012, it's only 2 months but the differences are just too significant. Here are a few huge things that happened to myself (and made me content ever since) over the past 2 months (to catch up with yaknooo) :
1) I cut my hair
2) I like k-pop (only snsd and shinee i swear) (don't judge me please don't do it)
3) Got accepted (i've said it a million times but whatevs i'm proud of it)
4) I can park my car and i can drive better now.

Basically, those things are the main things that make me happy lately but some other (major/minor i also don't know) things also affect me in some ways. So thank you for making me a lot happier than before :-)

rainy days, life, and well, everything. (if its possible)

ELLO PEOPLE!

oh God it's been 2 months since i left this blog and everything's still exactly like when i left it, hasn't changed a bit :"). (Wait, what.)

#

So in case you're wondering about where was i after all these times, i've been keeping myself busy with lots and lots of homeworks, tasks, essays (which i'll post later he.) and meh, possibly everything.

(asleep - the smiths)

I mentioned about "living my life" on my previous previous post so, that's the main reason why i left the internet for a while. I've been trying to live my life the way it's supposed to be, trying to get to know the people i've already met but haven't known them personally, (reminiscing the fact that i'm leaving in approximately 5,6 or 7 months), doing school assignments (everyday oh mYGOD)  and i spent most of the time you know, thinking. There's this time when I overthink things way too much until i questioned myself, "do you always think this much?"

...Is it weird? That i often think about things i'm not supposed to think? Well i'm a thinker- i must say, but this is getting stronger everyday. Like i think way too much to the point where my head hurts and the only way to reduce it is to sleep. (Like i can haha.) Or maybe to listen to the sound of the rain. (I downloaded it, oh God, it's true about what they say, you can download everything from the internet these days.)

Speaking of which, it's been raining A LOT since october. It's good though--it's the good kind. The ones that'll make you feel warm even though it's cold outside. The ones that'll make you feel like you're a part of the universe-- like you're really there-- like you really do belong "here". The ones that'll make couples crumble to each other and us singles will listen to Ed Sheeran for the rest of the day. The ones where you just want to go outside and dance and just forget about everything for a while.

(That's funny though; "Forget about everything for a while". The truth is, I'm desperate to even breath right now. I just need to get away from everything (and by everything i mean people. or school.) for at least a day, a day off to watch old tvs.)

As the days go by, it's becoming a routine now. Those damned tasks, assignments, deadlines, and everything i can't write here. You know there's not a day without a ton of sighs and whines. I'm just tired, maybe even bored. It's becoming too frequent; the thinking too much, the ed sheeran replays, and well everything--possibly.

But if it's true what they say about this, i hope i can make it. I hope i won't be "that kid again". I hope i won't be just the girl around the corner. I hope all the ed sheeran replays, all the walk home by the rain, all the crumbles and all the time i sacrificed is worth it. Amen.