back again.
i'm back.
tell a friend.
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sorry guys! i just can't do an appropriate greeting because literally everytime i'm trying to say "hello" properly my scumbag brain plays that song inside my head so.. i just needed to get that out.
anyway! as cliche as it is i'm going to say this : oh my God it's march. And it's almost april! GETTING CLOSER TO GRADUATION FFFF YEAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
in the other hand, i'm sad cause it's almost over...but not really, i'm just glad that it's gonna end this fast hahaha. Don't judge me or label me as mean or bad or heartless cause if you're in my position right now, i believe you'd say the same thing. Okay i know that i've been bragging about school since my last post but i just can't help it ok? THIS GIRL CAN'T HELP IT.
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I think you guys should know that i suffered hard for all this school thingy ok? Just imagine 3 months full of studying. that's called ; suffering. It has literally gone to a point where my brain couldn't cope with all these stuffs anymore.. last week i didn't get to sleep (well i did but only for an hour) because i had to study for the history+economic+geography test. and it didn't turn out well. i just couldn't be any f-ing happier. oh believe me i'm all smiles.
The thing is, i studied really really hard for the test-- you couldn't even imagine how hard i've studied-- but then the questions in the exams were exactly the opposite of what i've had studied the night before. [this is the proper time to use the classic --> Q: "on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad luck are you?" A: "Marsha."] so it's all a waste of time. And you know what's even worse? People just don't believe you every time you tell them that. They have such high expectations on you that they don't realize that actually, the reality isn't like that. I can't get all 100s on my exams and people just can't accept that. I mean I'm also human and I make mistakes too. I have my flaws and i'm just concentrating on being the best that i can be. (For the 100th time ...yes. I indeed quote it from The Social Network. It's crazy, my obsession with that movie). Some people just won't understand that, and i'm really really tired of it.
To be frank, I’m really tired of life. I'm not sure that I mean it in a suicidal way, but also in a plain fatigued way. I wish life could pause for a few days or a week or two or even a month so that I can at least breathe. I’m being given too much in too little time. I’m sick of studying, I'm sick of tryouts, I'm sick of exams, I’m sick of being busy all the damn time, and I’m sick of people “pushing me to succeed”. I’m just so tired.
You know quoting the first line from the last paragraph, i've never been so suicidal in my life. I'm only a teenager and yet i'm talking about all of this in such a hyperbolic way that you might be smiling right now and thinking to yourself, "this kid hasn't been through anything and yet she's talking about death". Well sir, I hate to break it out to you but it's the ugly truth. Behind the smiles and all that, i'm depressed. I'm not lying but i feel like I'm currently having a mental breakdown. It has literally gone to a point where i feel like i don't want to wake up and face reality and if i go.. it'll all end. Well, I guess it's a side effect of people pushing me to succeed.
The worst part of all is that i overthink everything. Some people came to me and said that my grades dropped and i'm not trying hard enough and this and that, and i kind of jolted up in that time. I've never had a moment like this before-- I had but now.. it's worse. On the outside i shrugged it all, but in the inside my brain kept replaying that sentence over and over again. The notion of it continuing in my head, it just won't stop. I kept on hearing it through my ears and i just couldn't stop it somehow. I cried for more than an hour and so, (i cry a lot these times) i listened to the smiths to brighten myself up but it just gotten worse. It's gotten really really worse. I thought that it'd be over in an hour but when i closed my eyes-- it's still there. The voice and everything, it haunted me that night. In the end, i haven't told my parents about this cause i know that they'd gladly bring my jolly arse to a therapist to talk about this and now's not a good time i guess. I figured out that it's the "Fear Of Not Satisfying People Around You", "Fear Of Not Being Good Enough" , "Fear Of Not Being The Best" that made me cry that hard.
Another time after that i was reading this book and i found something quite relatable to myself. There was this girl who hated her toenail so much and then her friend came and said something about dysmorphia. A little bit about This Dysmorphia Thing, it's when you look in the mirror and the thing you see is not the thing it really is. So to make it easier ; it's all up in your head. And then i thought to myself, it's all up in my head. It's true though that some people came to me and said that i didn't bring out the best in me lately but that's just it. There's nothing to exaggerate and blab about, but my brain just had to ruin it for me and be the scumbag it usually is. And it resulted in me crying all night while listening to the smiths and thinking about death. (Re: the paragraph above)
So above all that, i've made a decision. I thought about this for quite a long time and maybe, I should get off everything for a little while. (So I wouldn't see and hear and meet people who would most likely say things i didn't wanna hear and made me go to a therapist bcs all the cryings and depression and such. Because i'm just that timid and fragile, yes.). Get a refresh and stay away from social stuffs, perhaps I could be more concerned on my studies and exams. So wish me luck? wish me tons of luck.
