rainy days, life, and well, everything. (if its possible)

ELLO PEOPLE!

oh God it's been 2 months since i left this blog and everything's still exactly like when i left it, hasn't changed a bit :"). (Wait, what.)

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So in case you're wondering about where was i after all these times, i've been keeping myself busy with lots and lots of homeworks, tasks, essays (which i'll post later he.) and meh, possibly everything.

(asleep - the smiths)

I mentioned about "living my life" on my previous previous post so, that's the main reason why i left the internet for a while. I've been trying to live my life the way it's supposed to be, trying to get to know the people i've already met but haven't known them personally, (reminiscing the fact that i'm leaving in approximately 5,6 or 7 months), doing school assignments (everyday oh mYGOD)  and i spent most of the time you know, thinking. There's this time when I overthink things way too much until i questioned myself, "do you always think this much?"

...Is it weird? That i often think about things i'm not supposed to think? Well i'm a thinker- i must say, but this is getting stronger everyday. Like i think way too much to the point where my head hurts and the only way to reduce it is to sleep. (Like i can haha.) Or maybe to listen to the sound of the rain. (I downloaded it, oh God, it's true about what they say, you can download everything from the internet these days.)

Speaking of which, it's been raining A LOT since october. It's good though--it's the good kind. The ones that'll make you feel warm even though it's cold outside. The ones that'll make you feel like you're a part of the universe-- like you're really there-- like you really do belong "here". The ones that'll make couples crumble to each other and us singles will listen to Ed Sheeran for the rest of the day. The ones where you just want to go outside and dance and just forget about everything for a while.

(That's funny though; "Forget about everything for a while". The truth is, I'm desperate to even breath right now. I just need to get away from everything (and by everything i mean people. or school.) for at least a day, a day off to watch old tvs.)

As the days go by, it's becoming a routine now. Those damned tasks, assignments, deadlines, and everything i can't write here. You know there's not a day without a ton of sighs and whines. I'm just tired, maybe even bored. It's becoming too frequent; the thinking too much, the ed sheeran replays, and well everything--possibly.

But if it's true what they say about this, i hope i can make it. I hope i won't be "that kid again". I hope i won't be just the girl around the corner. I hope all the ed sheeran replays, all the walk home by the rain, all the crumbles and all the time i sacrificed is worth it. Amen.

you make me wanna curve the corners of my mouth

Today was a lousy day. It was bad in any way possible. I didn't exactly know why but i already sensed it since i woke up. I was grumpy and gloomy and i just didn't feel like doing anything. To say that i felt like sh*t was an understatement. (Maybe it's because i'm on my period, or maybe it's just bad luck.) Everything seemed audibly and visibly annoying, and this brought me to the shittiest mood ever. The mood spread into my mom's and then everyone and then the next thing i know is of all the bad days i've experienced before, i could crown today as one of the worst days..ever.

It all started when i went to school this morning, i got a massive-massive headache from last night (ha) and i couldn't do anything about it. Panadol or anything couldn't cover the pain and so I tried to eat ...but my body denied everything i tried to swallow. I half-heartedly went back to class and finished 3rd period. I swear it was the worst-- i didn't get the chance to swap places for the class retreat, and then another bad thing happened, and it just went like a cycle, or a circle; bad things happened one after another and long story short, finally i got the chance to go home and clear my mind.

While walking home, i counted all the steps and within every step, i tried to memorize about all the bad things i've experienced lately. Not only today-- these past few weeks i've been getting a whole lot of problems. Some blame fate, some blame karma, but i think it's just bad luck. When i reached home, everything was still not as good as what i expected. I couldn't connect my house' wifi to my mac and my iPod and i thought to myself, the world is slowly coming to an end.

That was the final thing and suddenly an idea filled into the peak of my head and as cliche as it is, i felt like that cheesy speechbubble filled with a lamp on top of me clinked and i thought, why don't you try to make yourself happy?

I opened my ms word and i made a list of all the things that make me happy. And not so long after that, i wander into my own thoughts.

The first thing that popped into my mind was the kooks' song called Junk Of The Heart. The intro never fails to amuse me, and also She&Him's This Is Not A Test comes next on the list. The next thing that makes me happy is the fact that I like to think that i'm on a movie, like all the problems i'm facing right now is the climax, and then things will sort by itself (which is nonsense in real life) and then, cut! Roll the credits, please. Other than that i like to pretend that i'm a singer and my bath tub is the stage where i perform. People may not know this but i think i'm quite decent at singing. My showercap says so. And after that i like to dance naked-- only in my robe and spin the belt around and around. The next thing might sound a bit corny but people who are madly in love with each other make me happy. They make me realize that love isn't just a piece of time in the world, it's actually worth waiting for, you know? Hehe. And the last thing that makes me happy is being naked. Being naked is liberating, i feel so free and i don't know, it feels good.

Time flies fast when you don't have too much time on your hands. And by that the next thing i knew that it was short to midnight when i was listening to piledriver waltz by the arctic monkeys. It's a routine-- to close my eyes everytime i play this song, and so i tried to relax all the tenses i've had before. I could hear the outside noises sneaking through my earphones, to be honest, it surprisingly pleased me--it was soft and moist, yet it still remained quiet somehow. The tunes cheered me up in some way and suddenly it made me happy. Well this thing is simple, but it made me smile.

See? After all, today wasn't that bad. In fact, everything isn't that bad after all. Whenever you feel like there's nothing you can do to fight all the problems ...just look on the bright side. (No seriously.) I usually don't pay attention to all the small but good things that happen to myself. I only focus on the bad things and i forgot about being free about having all of these things i have right now, about how blessed i am, etc etc. Maybe we're all too focused on all the bad things that happen to ourselves and we forgot about how fun life could be. What about dancing naked and singing off-key and just leave your morning commute? Be happy while you can. I think you should just forget all your problems for a while, take off your clothes, put on your robe and dance to Lady Gaga. (Gonna be okay. Doo-doo-doo-doo Just dance.)

7

1. What band has inspired you the most?
- I can say Arctic Monkeys but i'm pretty sure The Drums has inspired me in a lot of ways possible too. It's not just their music that inspires me a lot but it's also how they manage all the fame that they're getting and not letting it in into their heads. They're really down to earth and they seem to have this really great personality.

2:What/who got you into the music you listen to now?
- Movie soundtracks mostly and of course, my brother. And kak Cass also! It all started when I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind like a year ago, and as soon as it finished i rushed off into my laptop and googled the soundtrack. I did the same when i watched 500 days of Summer later that year.

3:Is music a big part of your life?
- You have no idea how big it is. Music is a really really big part of my life; i live in a family where you listen to music like 24/7. No, literally. Mum is an enormous fan of jazz    so basically i guess that affects all of my family members. As far as i could remember, mum blasts Earth, Wind & Fire or George Benson through her jbl speaker almost every night so that explains everything.

I learned to play piano when i was 4 and things just kinda went from there. Like i used to sing at the school's choir (but i don't anymore.) and a lot of other things. Music has always been there for me, sad, happy, whatever. Remember amateur's feeling - porcelain raft from last post? There you go.

4:How many concerts have you been to?
- Let's see uhm, P!ATD, Paramore, Katy Perry. I couldn't watch MGMT and the whitest boy alive and the drums because i'm still underage. :( OH! I went to watch Sondre Lerche last year on a jazz festival. Does that count?

5:What is the favorite merch item you’ve ever purchased?
- Beatles mug! I almost bought their lunchbox but i bought elmo instead. (enter plot twist?)

6:Who is your favorite musician/band?
- easy, Arctic Monkeys. And phoenix! Ugh that band is really really underrated by the way.

7:What song do you listen to when you’re sad?
- Luna by Smashing Pumpkins (acoustic version). This song has some kind of a personal memory for me, so it never fails to make me cry. Or maybe stuck in the puzzle by Alex Turner because it's a great song.

DON'T JUDGE but i listened to justin bieber's be alright yesterday and it hit me. (Only God can judge me.)

8:What song do you listen to when you’re mad?
- Any song by the arctic monkeys to be honest. It has some weird sense that could soothe me.

9:What song do you listen to when you’re pissed off?
- Family by The Cast of Cheers. I can't explain why, because the lyrics don't really match up with the situation but if you listen to the song you'll get it.

10:Have you ever moshed?
- No but i've seen one live on paramore's concert last year.

11:CD’s or iTunes?
- Vinyls. iTunes!

12:What is your favorite album? Why?
- My favorite album... i can't choose between Portamento by The Drums or Parachutes by Coldplay Or In Rainbows by Radiohead.

I kinda go with Portamento, though. It still has a bit of similarity from their first self-titled album, but portamento is just amazing. Jonny has this smiths-like tune on Money and all of the songs are ridiculously catchy, somehow. The lyrics are insanely bitter but i can relate to it because it's written by a teen's perspective.

13:Who is the funniest band/band member you know?
- Louis Tomlinson from One Direction. Funniest band? The Lonely Island......haha.

14:What band has the best lyrics?
- COLDPLAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!! And i like best coast as well. But she & him has this really cute lyrics that makes me want to cuddle in a bundle of joy and puke rainbows.

15:How has music helped you?

- Music has helped me in a lot of ways. For example, last year it helped me through the toughest moment, and just by listening to it or playing it on an instrument made me feel better--which is weird.

things to do whilst past the point of no return

i have no idea why i used that sentence as a title. but it sounded cool so.. yeah.

ANYWAY!

How are ya people? Is you okay? Is you? ...See what i did there? I added a bit of a glozell here and there but mostly, how are you feeling? I'm on my school holiday so i guess i'm good...? At least i think i am.

First things first, i want to say sorry for abandoning this blog for quite a while now. (isn't it? a month? i don't know exactly.) Therefore, i am here, ready to type all the magical words to bring you to the joyous world of the bloggity blog blog blog. Not really.

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So.. July, huh? 6 down, 6 to go. And i mean, just like that, 2012 is half over? It seems like yesterday it was just January though. One thing i surely know now is that time does fly fast. And still i haven't done something meaningful yet until this very moment. About 3 months ago i decided to do something quirky/witty/you name it, so i can look back and see how weird memorable it was but ..words will be just words, till you bring them to life. *le sigh* (just for the record, i DID quote one direction.... don't judge.)

I remember having a conversation about this at a public bathroom, about a month ago from now. It was with my best friend Andari, maybe i've mentioned her name or maybe not but background info on her : loveliest lady ever.

Back to the bathroom stall, with the mixed feelings of absurdity, nervousness, and the cold feet I’ve just experienced caused by one damn report card, it’s her turn to feel the same way.

I’ve known her for 2 years now and I can say that she’s one of the toughest human being I’ve ever met in my life. And it was the very first time that I could see her like that. Then there I was, then-overhappy-sophomore-girl, sitting on the bathroom floor, encouraging her best friend so she could threw up. Which was useless anyway, because she hadn’t eaten anything from the previous night and also it’s not quite picturesque if you might ask, because somehow it's considered as an awkward situation.

“You can’t just force yourself to puke like that. I mean, if you wanna puke, you will.”, I said to her half-heartedly because I honestly was really starving at the time. I heard her mumble(d) something like ‘mm-hmm’ or ‘yea’, I couldn’t hear her clearly through the plastic doors, until she decided to flung it open and reveal her o-face, -- you know that face someone would gladly pull after their hangover starts kicking in? I like to call it the o-face. and just for the record, she already put that o-face before she attempted to puke whatsoever so, it's o face TOPS o face.

 “But if I puke randomly, it’ll be nasty and,” blah blah blah.  I stopped listening to her after a few pros and cons about whether she should eat and then threw up (which is HELLO. IT’S GOOD FOOD BRO.) or sit around and wait until the right time..to puke, we kinda went for the latter until le awkward silence filled the air and I finally said something good. 

You know it’s kind of surprising, reminiscing the fact that I’m not the visual/audio-first-kind-of-person so, kudos to self. “You know we only got 1 year left until we go our separate ways.” “Yeah, I know.” “Time flies quite fast.”

It felt like yesterday i was just a clueless little freshman. Freshman year was the greatest year though, i remember everything really clearly. It was so much fun compared to my sophomore year. My second year was supposed to be the 'fun' year but it ended up being a blur.

Back to my convo with Andari, i thought, "Well that was deep,". Other than that, i thought she's right. Time really does fly fast. I've said that a gazillion times but i didn't really mean it, until that very moment. I thought, What the hell, i've wasted so many days doing stupid and reckless things. You know, YOLO. I don't know YOLO seems to be my excuse to everything lately.

Also, i didn't realize how i only got 12 months left to spare. Well damn, 6 actually. 6 months left and then bam! f-tons of exams are ready to bite you right in the arse. Not literally, because that'd be disgusting.

{To sum things up, i don't know where i'm going after this whole senior sphere. Of course, my parents and my brother planted ideas of which school i am going to take after this but I also have different plans, here and there. So the point is : i don't know which path to take. Maybe 'know' is not the right word, maybe the right word is, 'ready'.}

I know i always say how i wanted to leave school immediately and i hated to do assignments etc. but at the end of the day, i know i'm not ready yet. Not yet ready to leave things behind, to face a new start. 

Andari's quick standing up movement made me stop all the 'deep-thoughts' that i was (over-)thinking. And with that, i got out from the bathroom and headed outside.

And so we sat in front of the teacher's rooms. I looked across the balcony and i found that some people were crying. But either way, some others were just happy that they finally passed their grades. The mixed feelings confused me in some ways but I ignored the sight, yet i decided to look up front. As far as i can remember, it was just clouds and clouds, and clouds. I stared down--blankly at the empty classrooms and I finally got to the stage when i knew that things are going to end; like i was sort of standing close to the edge of a building and things are ready to stop there but you miraculously hope that it'd turn 180 degrees-- which is impossible.

I felt sour. I wasn't sad, but i wasn't happy either. I felt sour. I could feel it. I wanted to do something about it but it all seemed like an act of waste or helplessness may be the word they could nail to the situation.

I remember listening to amateur's feeling by porcelain raft all the way home, and still, i kept thinking about it. All the fun that i've had years before, and how i only got 1 year-- freaking 1 year left! I put my ipod on shuffle and that new song by maroon 5 i just purchased yesterday kicked in. The lyrics caught my attention, "you say it's too late to make it, but is it too late to try?". It clicked.

I put it on repeat and what felt like the seventieth time that day, i smiled sheepishly. Adam levine's voice that rang through my earphone felt like it came from nowhere, and echoed blatantly through the solid room.

I finally knew that it's not too late to turn things over, and everything isn't moving too fast, i'm just too stupid to realize that i didn't cherish them/it in the first place. Maybe time doesn't fly too fast, maybe it's just us and things that came too early.

brain roll(s) and deep thoughts

why hello der! what's the cracka lackin erryone yooooo
{read in half gangster - half british accent. how so? figure out yourself.}

so first of all, i have no idea why i wrote 'brain roll(s)' as the title post and why i did that intro. (because i can). it just wind into my mind and if this explanation helps, brain-roll isn't like sushi roll. *quick tip : don't imagine a brain-roll, you'll puke bricks. literally.

...i just wrote a whole paragraph about brain-roll, which i don't even know about its own existence, but meh.

and this is getting off-topic and nowhere so, yeah.

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(play Set The Tigers Free by Villagers to add more realistic sense, it helped me write this post.)

Sorry for abandoning this blog with quality writing (haha!). i've been through a lot of things and problems and struggles with my own self. For some reasons, I've distant myself from some things that i sadly can't write here (because it's too personal, sorry.), but hopefully i'll get better/recover soon.

I've been thinking a lot, deep thoughts nor easy ones. considering i'll leave in approximately a year from now, i have a lot to leave, gain and/or take.

to be honest, i haven't been using time quite wisely these 5 months. I didn't think about stuffs and like MGMT said on their song 'Kids', no time to think of consequences. I didn't think- i just did. That left me a little bit of remorse when i think back about them.

-
To lose some or leave things behind.
I have to leave a few things or maybe a few certain people behind. Which is quite a sad thing, because i personally know that 25% of myself are going to miss them. But like what society has taught and told me, they said that we'll eventually change. People change, we change, you change. Being the no-jimmy-protested type of person myself, i think i must agree... to disagree.

Instead of being told that i've changed, i'm going to act normal and say, 'I don't change, i just learn to live myself out of yours.'.

Because no matter what, we can't keep thinking that those stuffs are coming back, and happy or not, we'll have to face another day, with or without them.

To get some or gain slash take.
I still need to learn a lot-- we all are. There are lots and lots of things for me to gain or take from all the people that surround me everyday. Not to be exactly like them, but learn how to be like them.

Aside from gaining others' great deeds, i also promised myself to gain a whole lot of experiences before i leave.
Experiences. Sad, happy, winning, losing. I've been told 'No'-s a lot. Got rejected, replaced, ignored and despite all the sadness after it, the whole scenery gave me a rather exciting experience. Cheesy and cliche but it's true though. Now I can see why a lot of people can relate to the infamous 'Experience is the best teacher' quote.
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Despite all the stuffs above, I might as well pull an LMFAO and get all the fun and keep being the person i was yesterday, but i think it's not the best decision to take. Growing up as a better person ain't as easy as it seems. Because in fact, everything is not what it seems.

But after all, by doing all the stuffs i've written above, i think i'm ready to leave.

4

hi everyone!
so, yeah. it's april. and i'm currently in the mood for some writing so here are a few things you might be wondering about me and well ...now revealed. (:

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Have you ever self harmed? Why?


No. i've never done things to hurt myself on purpose. I think doing self-harm is not going to solve any problems. Okay here, you've been hurt, and then you decided to cut yourself; that means you add more pain into you, inside and outside; mentally and physically. I don't think that harming your self will genuinely flip the problem into 180 degrees and turn things back into normal. If you have a problem, or let's say you are bullied by your seniors or the whole student body hate(s) you or something : you stand up for yourself, and prove them wrong. OR you could just simply....

It's not like by doing self-harm your problems are solved by themselves. So yeah. that's my rant slash thoughts slash opinion on self-harm. :)

Relationship with your father?


My father and i are really good with each other. Although my relationship with my dad is not as close as my relationship with mum, but everything's great. He's a great dad and i learned a lot of things from him. He is one of my role models, which is a great thing because all of my role models are cool, and that means my dad is cool (?). For the past few months I rarely speak to him though, haha. I rarely see him because he goes to work really early and comes back late. My dad is not a typical dad, he sometimes went awkward on conversations and stays quiet instead; cause he's a bit more reserved to himself. But well he's the greatest guy in the world.

Relationship with your mother?


My mum is my best friend. Like seriously, we share each other everything; food, gossip, secrets, room (haha), bags, shoes and other stuffs. She's a really really fun mum, all the lads fancy her. She's talkative, always cracks up jokes, funny and loud. And the best thing about her is that she always sees the best in people. Gotta loveeee heeer~

Which celebrity do you fancy most? Why?


Which as in who? Well, i fancy Andrew Garfield, BIG TIME rush. Because (not to mention that he's fit), he just seemed to be a very nice person. He's really down to earth, and his acting is just brilliant. He's a very talented actor and ... ah he's just lovely.

this goes to andrew garfield

Have you ever been bullied?

Bullied? As far as i can remember....no. i've never been bullied at school.

Who makes you the happiest?

1) My friends

- they are CRAZY. i can't never laugh at their jokes or their silly stupid random things they do on a daily basis, and they are always there when i needed them. 

2) My family

- of course! I love my family so much. Being with them just makes my heart warm and happy. woop.

3) My bfl

- she is just, BLAAARGH hahaha. no word to describe her, she's random, lunatic, loud, and all packed in one, been best friends for almost 2 years now. ba haaaaa.

What calms you down when you're upset?

Music. just, music, and sometimes crying because you gotta let it all out. I sing at the top of my lungs and dance like crazy until i'm back to being the most fantastic.

Who do you miss the most?

My brother. :( He's currently living in a different town, for almost 3 years now (college). I just miss living with him. Having someone to talk to, watch movies together, playing xbox in my room, food fight and exchange clothes (yep he's my size - ikr.). And he'll go to Switzerland for 10 days tomorrow, which was supposed to be his schedule to go home and eat and sleep and walk around the house randomly, but most of all, i'm so proud of him, thank you for being such a great brother (:

Have you ever fallen in love? Or had your heart broken?

No i don't think so. I think i'm in love with Alex Turner but everyone keeps telling me that it's just a celebrity crush. Meh. screw them. I love alex turner.
Oh my God. i'm forever alone.

Share a secret?

I fancy logan henderson from big time rush. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Cultural Heritage

"Youth these days don't seem to care about what's happening at the moment with their culture, which is a bit worrying due to the safety of their country's cultural heritage."


"All they care about is their own self. Maybe this is the effect of modern technology, who knows?"

While i was sipping my ice chocolate in Starbucks yesterday, i overheard a conversation between 2 middle-aged women, sitting right next to me.

I remain calm and decided to continue to listen to their conversation which was pretty amusing because i always enjoy listening to others' opinion.

Long story short, the two women blamed us teenagers for the lack of interest and attention about Indonesian cultural heritage.

As a youth, i gladly disagree with the statement above. I am a proud Indonesian, and i don't think me and the other (well, in my school) youngsters don't care about our culture. We definitely appreciate them and cherish them in our lives.

I admit that very few teenagers still care about our culture. Especially with the improvement of modern technology, some may choose to spend their time with their ipods, rather than playing traditional games like "Lompat Tali"or "Galasin". To be honest, I still play "Galasin" with my friends, which is a little bit unmature for my age, but i think that's okay. Because technically we're saving the Indonesian heritage.

Our cultural heritage has ethnic, beautiful, valuable, sacred, and creative written all over it. And of course us youths are very proud about it too. Maybe, society doesn't seem to understand the way that us teenagers, appreciate them and cherish them. Because there are lots of different ways to show that you truly care about it. Lots of teenagers in Jakarta go to traditional dance classes like Tari Pendet and mostly, Tari Saman. And some also take part in a youth organization called 'Indonesian Youth Conference',etc. And at school, we wear batik every friday, which shows our love for Indonesian's cultural heritage.

We also talk about things concerning our country at school, even though not as often as we talk about other stuffs. But we still do, and that shows our interest at this thing.

When the two women above said that modern technology also affects our interest on Indonesian's cultural heritage, they probably don't know what we're doing on the internet. We use the internet to search about our country's cultural heritage, ...even right now i'm posting about it on my web!

2 Years ago, me and my friends, we tweeted about "Visit Indonesia 2010", even though it didn't trend worldwide. Our goal at the time was we want the world to see what a beautiful country Indonesia is.

So those things above prove that us youths, we do care, we do help, we do cherish, and we do appreciate the Indonesian's cultural heritage.

Social Network

"Social Network Sites". Nowadays, those 3 words (or often shortened to 'Social Network' or 'Social Networking') aren't weird or seem strange for us to hear. Of course, social networking is one of the most popular thing that has changed our lives, apart from the internet.

A social network site is a web based service that allows users to create profiles, see the list of available users, as well as to invite or accept a friend to join the site. The definition or meaning from the word itself already shows us a quite large representation about the social network itself.

Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr are just a few examples of a social networking site. Being and staying online on twitter, facebook, and tumblr are very normal or ordinary for us teenagers to do. We socialize, have a little chat, or maybe just to kill time to reduce your boredom. 

Being on a social networking is very addictive. Even when i type all of these words, i still can't control my need to check what's happening on my tumblr. 

That thing above is one of the main reasons i'm writing this essay. "Is Facebook or any other social networks taking away the fun from playing in the real life?"

As an early teenager on my adolescent life, i would gladly disagree. Why? Because yes, maybe we don't have that much time our parents or ancestors used to have years ago but now, things have changed and they're the exact different.-- Well not really--  slightly. 

Well- yes we do spend hours here on facebook or twitter, but without the help of these social networking we won't be able to talk to our friends as easy as we do now. Let's say parents, they could search and add their old high school friends on facebook, right? And twitter, it helps you to know the latest update about "what's happening at the moment". Right?

With the existence of the social network site, we could meet people all over the world without meeting them in person- which means that took us a cheaper cost than calling them via homephones/phones, and or we could get to know different people from anywhere in the world. In a more simpler way, it leads us to a better 'change'. And not to mention how quick the internet is.

A lot of adults here in my country banned their kids to sign up on twitter or facebook. I'm going to be honest here, i'm one of them kids. I used to have accounts on twitter and facebook, but my parents said that it's not that good for me and i should play outside more often, despite the fact that i need a social life too. So therefore, i deactivated my accounts and well things don't really change either.

Although the use of the social network is often misused by villains or bad people, still- i think a social networking site is good for us teenagers but depends on how you react and whether you use them for good or bad.

I may not be the smartest of all about these things, but i can say that i'm pretty sure about what i'm writing. But, again, i think it's really a matter of perspective or depends on how you see them.