the girl can't help it (edited)

guess who's back.

back again.

i'm back.

tell a friend.

--

sorry guys! i just can't do an appropriate greeting because literally everytime i'm trying to say "hello" properly my scumbag brain plays that song inside my head so.. i just needed to get that out.

anyway! as cliche as it is i'm going to say this : oh my God it's march. And it's almost april! GETTING CLOSER TO GRADUATION FFFF YEAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

in the other hand, i'm sad cause it's almost over...but not really, i'm just glad that it's gonna end this fast hahaha. Don't judge me or label me as mean or bad or heartless cause if you're in my position right now, i believe you'd say the same thing. Okay i know that i've been bragging about school since my last post but i just can't help it ok? THIS GIRL CAN'T HELP IT.

--

I think you guys should know that i suffered hard for all this school thingy ok? Just imagine 3 months full of studying. that's called ; suffering. It has literally gone to a point where my brain couldn't cope with all these stuffs anymore.. last week i didn't get to sleep (well i did but only for an hour) because i had to study for the history+economic+geography test. and it didn't turn out well. i just couldn't be any f-ing happier. oh believe me i'm all smiles.

The thing is, i studied really really hard for the test-- you couldn't even imagine how hard i've studied-- but then the questions in the exams were exactly the opposite of what i've had studied the night before. [this is the proper time to use the classic --> Q: "on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad luck are you?" A: "Marsha."] so it's all a waste of time. And you know what's even worse? People just don't believe you every time you tell them that. They have such high expectations on you that they don't realize that actually, the reality isn't like that. I can't get all 100s on my exams and people just can't accept that. I mean I'm also human and I make mistakes too. I have my flaws and i'm just concentrating on being the best that i can be. (For the 100th time ...yes. I indeed quote it from The Social Network. It's crazy, my obsession with that movie). Some people just won't understand that, and i'm really really tired of it.

To be frank, I’m really tired of life. I'm not sure that I mean it in a suicidal way, but also in a plain fatigued way. I wish life could pause for a few days or a week or two or even a month so that I can at least breathe. I’m being given too much in too little time. I’m sick of studying, I'm sick of tryouts, I'm sick of exams, I’m sick of being busy all the damn time, and I’m sick of people “pushing me to succeed”. I’m just so tired.

You know quoting the first line from the last paragraph, i've never been so suicidal in my life. I'm only a teenager and yet i'm talking about all of this in such a hyperbolic way that you might be smiling right now and thinking to yourself, "this kid hasn't been through anything and yet she's talking about death". Well sir, I hate to break it out to you but it's the ugly truth. Behind the smiles and all that, i'm depressed. I'm not lying but i feel like I'm currently having a mental breakdown. It has literally gone to a point where i feel like i don't want to wake up and face reality and if i go.. it'll all end. Well, I guess it's a side effect of people pushing me to succeed.

The worst part of all is that i overthink everything. Some people came to me and said that my grades dropped and i'm not trying hard enough and this and that, and i kind of jolted up in that time. I've never had a moment like this before-- I had but now.. it's worse. On the outside i shrugged it all, but in the inside my brain kept replaying that sentence over and over again. The notion of it continuing in my head, it just won't stop. I kept on hearing it through my ears and i just couldn't stop it somehow. I cried for more than an hour and so, (i cry a lot these times) i listened to the smiths to brighten myself up but it just gotten worse. It's gotten really really worse. I thought that it'd be over in an hour but when i closed my eyes-- it's still there. The voice and everything, it haunted me that night. In the end, i haven't told my parents about this cause i know that they'd gladly bring my jolly arse to a therapist to talk about this and now's not a good time i guess. I figured out that it's the "Fear Of Not Satisfying People Around You", "Fear Of Not Being Good Enough" , "Fear Of Not Being The Best" that made me cry that hard.

Another time after that i was reading this book and i found something quite relatable to myself. There was this girl who hated her toenail so much and then her friend came and said something about dysmorphia. A little bit about This Dysmorphia Thing, it's when you look in the mirror and the thing you see is not the thing it really is. So to make it easier ; it's all up in your head. And then i thought to myself, it's all up in my head. It's true though that some people came to me and said that i didn't bring out the best in me lately but that's just it. There's nothing to exaggerate and blab about, but my brain just had to ruin it for me and be the scumbag it usually is. And it resulted in me crying all night while listening to the smiths and thinking about death. (Re: the paragraph above)

So above all that, i've made a decision. I thought about this for quite a long time and maybe, I should get off everything for a little while. (So I wouldn't see and hear and meet people who would most likely say things i didn't wanna hear and made me go to a therapist bcs all the cryings and depression and such. Because i'm just that timid and fragile, yes.). Get a refresh and stay away from social stuffs, perhaps I could be more concerned on my studies and exams. So wish me luck? wish me tons of luck.

dreams and whatnot.

I sometimes think about how people can cope with their dreams or hopes. I personally don’t even know what I’m going to be or where I’m going for the next few years.

I thought about my dreams quite often—well like most of people do, I do try to make things work but at the end of the day I was never sure. What I was never sure of with what I’m going through with it.

To be honest, my own future is already on my fingertips. Not to be cocky but, my English is not that bad, my drawings are quite decent, I have a little bit of taste in fashion, and all I gotta do is work on them & practice a lot more. You may think that it’s really easy to just go with it and bam! Academy of Arts SF, but no, because it’s really hard when society forces you to do something you don’t want to.

I grow up with people who lend their dreams on me, as well as my brother does. The reason is because their dreams didn’t come true and if I live on their expectation they thought it could be better for both sides. Well I love my family and my friends, and to see them live happily and whatnot will be really great for me but after all, you can’t do something that doesn’t suit you, can you?

I’ve always wanted to do something that goes on with fashion, well this might sound corny and stuffs but I still think that -waking up late on a 5^th avenue apartment, rushing to starbucks to buy your editor-in-chief slash killer boss a latte and pick up the newest collection for VOGUE’s next month issue- is cool. And yes your guess is right mi hombre, I’ve always wanted to be a fashion editor.

My family wants me to be a dentist. They ‘forced’ me though, to be honest. They said things about all the money I’m going to have and how it’ll lead to a better life is the exact opposite of being a fashion editor—which they always say it’s an utter crap job. My father said I could be both, fashion editor and dentist, two things at a time, but to be realistic and whatnot, no. You gotta pick one.

 To disappoint my family and my friends is one of the most unholy things I will never do in my life, and that goes on top of the list. But, -- my favorite English word, but – I realize that I’m going to sacrifice my passion and my love and my happiness for this.

I’m that type of person who couldn’t get away with something and kept thinking about it until it goes away, and this time I know it wont go away, because this thing, I’m going to make a living out of it.

This may sound stupid and selfish but I’m not going to live my whole life in guilt or grow up as a woman filled with regret, aren’t I? No. But at the same time I’ll throw away their hopes on me. Which is a really hard thing to do and see because without them I won’t even be here typing all of these letters.

I know how much salary and all the money I’ll eventually or occasionally get if  I work as a dentist but I wont be doing something that I love. Living in a big house and full of maids and butlers and stuffs aren’t going to make me happy. Living in a flat on 5^th avenue with my cat and my lovely macbook is going to make happy. Touching people’s teeth is not amusing and picking up clothes for models is one damn thing that’ll keep me satisfied.

#

I know why they’re pushing me to live their dream. My family, they don’t take risks. They don’t like challenges and they can never take failure as an answer. They play safe. They want me to choose something that most people do, and came out successful with it. Despite all the ups and downs of being a fashion editor.

My future offers me choices and of course, I have to make a decision. It’s still years and years from now but what’s wrong with preparation, right? I want to take risks and yes, perhaps 75% of the chance it’ll be labeled as the wrong decision but at least I ended up doing something that I love and that’s what I’ve chosen before. Take the wrong decision and stuck somewhere chill, make an awful lot of mistakes and learn from them. It’s cliché but it’s true.

After all, I’m pretty sure what I am going to choose next is going to be a huge impact and change in my life. Change is always based on a reason. Changing always leads you to a new sphere. Either for good or for worse. Maybe I’ll be a dentist and make my parents and friends happy. Maybe I’ll be a fashion editor and meet a guy on acne. Who knows what the future holds? You can never guess what will happen next. I hope everything stays in its place and until then, I’ll certainly live my present life to its fullest and my future is going to be as bright as arctic monkeys’ lightning set in Coachella weekend 1. (They smashed it!)

the nosy issue

yo yo yo yo yo!

how's everyone doing? mine's pretty much the same, well a little bit better actually because .............i'm on holiday, woop wooooop!

~

anyway, today i'm going to post about nosy people. yeah, that's right. nosy. or kepo. or whatever you name it.

so today i went on skype, checked some new messages on bbm, and posted a status. "to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die..". i took it from the smiths' song; there is a light that never goes out. i went outside, eat, eat some more, and blah blah blah morning routine.

and then i log on into tumblr and as per usual, greeted by a bunch of 1d photos. hahaha. ha. (is that even necessary to write on here? no? well i'm the owner of this blog so if you don't think it's necessary, get the- jk bbysz lol let me love you) SORRY there are a lot of things going on my mind tonight, so please excuse my behavior. MOVE ALONG!

and then i watched some videos on youtube. while i was waiting for the video to buffer, i checked my blackberry messenger and saw -not- a friend of mine, (actually i didn't want to give this person my pin and accept him/her, but at the time i thought i was being really really rude so yeah) sent me this message :

"Hey gurl sisssy, who is dat on yer statuss? xxxxxxxxx"

and i was just like,

At first i thought it was nice that he/she was being all caring-and-lovey-dovey but then, who dafu- are you? (i know him/her but ....you get it). I answered 'eh noone' and watched the video bcs the buffer(ing) was already finished. I checked my bbm again and found this message, sent by the same person. that nosy muthaf- dipsh- fffffstick :

"Just tellmeh i wont like tell anyone omg xxx"

what. is. the. problem. with. you. Let me tell you that this is not the first time she/he forcing slash mind-raping (what) me to tell him/her about my love life. The other day i posted 'andrew <3' {hehe} on my status and he/she just went la-di-da-ing and sent me this : 'andrew who?????? :/' i answered him/her with a laugh and he/she forced me to tell him/her. At the end of the day, he/she ended up being all omg-im-so-mad bcs i trolled him/her. Ha. eat that, f-stick. Oh and the other day when me and my friend were in a group crying session on skype and he/she didn't even ask our permission to join and just got there and being all nosy. And etc. (i'm dead-serious, this is not the first time. if today was the first time, i ain't gon make a big deal out of it, bbz.) (what did i just type?) (seriously?)

back to the current time,  i told her the truth that the status was not meant for anyone. and she replied with an angry emoticon, and FULL CAPSLOCK. "UGH YOU'RE SO FISHY!!!!!!!!!!!! >:/ >:/" what. did. i. just. read.

okay anybody, just, hold my poodle. seriously... Jesus, what's the matter with you? You don't even know me that well, you have nothing against me, and you know nothing about my life. Okay, if that's your way of making friends.......you're weird. I'm sorry, but it's true. People... they don't like you if you're being such a creep and just dive into their problems. It's none of your business and it's friggin annoying okay? Being such a nosy person IS NOT A GOOD THING.

Imagine, everytime you're on the glossy-gossip-session with your friends and a random nosy person just pops out of nowhere, asking the latest juicy thing. everyday. Terrible, i know. Irritating? YES! It's like eating ben & jerry's in front of baskin robbins... it's just plain wrong.

And now that nosy person is probably reading this and thinking how mean i am, which is 100% true and guess wut bytcccchz, i admit it. and that's probably why boys aren't into me. and that's a completely different issue. i should probably stick with the nosy-people situation. but meh, haters gon hate, potatoes gon potate.

so yeah now i'm gonna go make some sandwiches, that's right sandwiches boo-hoo and then...........it's time for some movie partay time, YEA MAN!

* bonus *

check out the drums' acoustic performance! i love love love love them, big time!



and newsflash i got 'there is a light that never goes out' inked to my stomach ha ha

no me gusta

apparently feist, friendly fires and the horrors are coming here on tuesday and i can't watch them due to school days. hahahahaha. i missed out kings of convenience, whitest boy alive, and mgmt already.

haha.
ha.
oh and they're playing on valentine's day which makes things even worse because idk it's just valentines day bro, uh-huh i feel you man

screw all of this.

and then people who literally took a giant heap of ssssh on my face today and i was just like

but then i decided to act cool and be like

then finally, walked away with schwag

k bye im done here

something to think about.

Hi loves! (eww. yuck)

How's 2012 so far? Great? Well mine's pretty much the same..(--like 2011, i mean yearight bro, we all only/just passed 10 days of 2012. ha.) so far but who knows what's going to happen next, right?

anyway.. today's post is about, well you're going to read it anyway so you decide what is it about (?) haha, because i personally can't think any word/topic to describe it sooo yeah. HA. today's post also contains a lot of anger, pms, madness(not really.)

--

Well today i just got back from school and my other classes, as always, came back exhausted tired and emotionally unhappy. And then i thought that scrolling on my blackberry messenger would immediately made my day but guess who's pissed after 2 seconds looking (well reading actually) on its bb screen........

caroline flack.

NO. THIS GIRL. THIS GIRL IS LITERALLY PISSED OFF. PISSED THE FRIGGIN PEANUTS OFF. (did i just use that phrase for real? ha ha ha, i should start calling myself liam then.) well move along..

he/she wrote something that made my day even worse. worse than ever. (compared to that time when i couldn't watch arctic monkeys on australia...a little bit the same.) Well, she teased another people's religion. on status. and by "another people" i mean .....that person, oh--ho-hoo he's really hot important to me! and my friends!

apparently, a lot of people didn't seem to care about this thing he/she wrote but people, don't you feel.. i don't know, ticked?

even though this person's religion is the exact same with me (and it doesn't matter. at all.), but geez, do you even think about his feelings when you wrote that? do you think twice about how and what he might feel when he found out that YOU WROTE THAT ON PURPOSE? ON PURPOSE FOR GOD'S SAKE.

Have respect for others please dear. Have mercy. Think twice-- use your brain and heart, God gave you one. use it wisely. Your brain wasn't set to think about some sick joke. and use your heart to FEEL what others MIGHT FEEL. you don't live in this world like, ALONE. you live with millions other. Learn, respect.

just don't be such a cocky human-being. or otherwise you're just a heartless-cyborg shaped in human force. Ha.

--

p.s : in varietate concordia. LEARN it before somebody whips their a$$es on your face.

another questions

yes. worst day ever. and i totally mean it. i just got my face and heart kicked in the arse-crack. together. AT THE SAME TIME. booyah! congratulations, me. oh God......
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA i'm so ashamed of myself i could utterly eat this mac right now. *crunchcrunch*

so yeah, here i am, trying to put my heart and face back again together, constantly making me happy one try at a time. how? with answering this meme thingy. lame? dork? nerd? i donnnnttttt care. (:( (cant you hear me screaming deep inside like 'cheer me up right now i need someone please gargagragragagggagagaggarrgrrrrr'?) hhh.

--

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
- car

2. Who are you in love with?
- current? a guy named alex david t

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
- yep

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
- YEEEEESSSSSHH

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
- last week

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
- nope

7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?
- depends on the dollar yer talking about brawh

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
- last month

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
- nope

10. Are you hot?
- ..............what..is..this..thing

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
- teh botol

12. What are you wearing right now?
- oversized sweater and a very short shorts. (see what i did there? short shorts? no? okay.)

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
- wash mi car

14. Last food that you ate?
- chinese noodles

15. Where were you last week at this time?
- pim

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
- yesss i did

17. When is the last time you ran?
- YESterDAY

18. What's the last sporting event you watched?
- football match

19. What is your favorite animal?
- puppy and honey bear. unicorn........ they do exist.

20. Your dream vacation?
- greek. please. just, greek.

21. Last person's house you were in?
- kak vira

22. Worst injury you've ever had?
- keplitek

23. Have you been in love?
- i'm in love right now. WITH ALEXXX DAVID tuhr-nuhr

24. Do you miss anyone right now?
- yes.

25. Last play you saw?
- paramore

26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
- i don't know. nothing.

27. What are your plans for tonight?
- sleep. eat. eat some more. eat snacks. watch dvd until morning.

28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?
- ditsa , kayaknya

29. Next trip you are going to take?
- singpr. maybeeee~

30. Ever go to camp?
- no. won't.

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
- honestly.............yes. no im kidding lol

32. What do you want to know about the future?
- my future husband yay yay yay

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
- yes. versace's baby rose jeans. never gets old

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
- yes... my teeth's a troublemaker

35. Where is your best friend?
- now? shopping. without me. YEP.

36. How is your best friend?
- she is nice.........-ish.

37. Do you have a tan?
- what is that thing?

38. What are you listening to right now?
- savage garden - i knew i loved you

39. Do you collect anything?
- yessss

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
- everybody's a gossiper i guess

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
- last month

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
- i always do.

43. What does your last text message say?
- "cupmwaaaa :*"

44. Do you like hot sauce?
- YEAH

45. Last time you took a shower?
- about 8 hours ago

46. Do you need to do laundry?
- no

47. What is your heritage?
- *beep*

48. Are you someone's best friend?
- yes i am DUH

49. Are you rich?
- what?

50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?
- bbm-ing

~

feeling not much better. still.